And then she said...

Just wanted to jot down (okay, copy & paste from my Kookie Jar) all my quotes/taglines that deal with religion, witchcraft, etc. in one place...none of this is intended to offend anyone. Quotes are attributed whenever possible. Please have a sense of humor; I'm pretty sure God does -- just look at the platypus!


A Christian relies on faith above everything else. A Wiccan relies on it only when nothing else is left.

A cult is a religion with no political power.--Tom Wolfe

A cult is someone ELSE's religion.

A good witch harms no one. A better witch laughs at the good witch.

A minimum good action is better than a maximum of good intentions.--Mahatma Gandhi

A ouija board is a waste of money if it doesn't work — and a waste of time if it does.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the best imaginary friend.

A witch on time is an hour early for the Sabbat.

A witch rides a broom because nature abhors a vacuum.

A woman with PMS & ESP is a bitch who knows everything.

Abstinance makes the church grow fondlers.

"Accept the Prince of Peace as your personal savior or I'll kill you!" ... Excuse me? Why would I want anything to do with THAT idea?

According to Dianetics you start at 0 with life-death(?) and move up to the twenties before there occurs a miraculous leap up to the forties, the hundreds, practical sainthood and absolute universal connection. That was probably the clearest sign we got that this was scarier than we thought: it was a religious-philosophical belief founded on an *incorrect* number line.

"Air, Fire, Water, and Earth - Elementary, my dear Watson!"--Sherlock Holmes, the Pagan edition

ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.--Fran Lebowitz

All the wild witches, those most noble ladies.--Yeats

Allah loves you. Here's your dynamite.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.

And God said to the cat: Go forth, and adopt a human pet.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.--Arthur C. Clarke

"As above, so below", they tell us. Then why do our gods look so much cooler than we do?

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

At first there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light!" Then there was still nothing. But you could see it!

Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh, Chance!"

Attention Muslims: Fundamentalists are hijacking your religion. Attention Christians: Ditto!

Be original - cast a square!

Be tolerant of Christians - they only have *one* god.

Best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on!

Beware the man of one book.--St. Thomas Aquinas

Bin Laden supports school prayer.

Black magic is any magic that works for you, but not for me.

Blasphemy: When a religious person dares to think.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Blood rituals to dark gods are best performed in private.

Blood sacrifice is sex magic without the fun.

Bob is my copilot.

Bored? Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God.

Born again? Have you been potty trained again?

Born again? My Goddess got it right the first time!

Born again? Why, didn't your mother do it right the FIRST time?

Call my religion violent again, and I'll kill you!

Can't you see the Chairman of the Board for Microsoft walking up to Bill Gates and saying, "Sorry Bill, but quarterly profits are down and if things don't improve by Lammas we'll need to sacrifice a sacred King to renew the company...."

Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.--George Bernard Shaw

Christians are supposed to be God's ambassadors, not His policemen.

Christians believe in the Father. Pagans believe in the whole family.

Come, mistah Crowley-man, talley me Khabbala...

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.--The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America

Copyright (c) 1993 Oregon Network Of Religious Deviants

Creationism, 'eh? So, when do the book burnings start?

Creator not found: (E)volve (S)in (P)arty ?

Cthulhu saves! (He might get hungry later.)

Dear Lord, please save me from your followers!

Deity for hire, inquire within.

Discordianism: Where reality is a figment of your imagination

Diversity is God's way of amusing herself.

Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, I've even SEEN one!

Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold.

Do not confine your children to your own learning, for they were born in another time.--Hebrew proverb

Do you get repossessed if you don`t pay your exorcist?

Don't bother God. He's got his own problems - everything he makes dies.

Elder Gods, Old Ones? Bunch of malarky! Hastur, Hastur, Hastur... See? Nothing hap--

Eternal hell awaits those who question God's unconditional love!

Ever notice how Christians think freedom of religion is only for them?

Evolution is just a theory - kind of like gravity.

Facts are attempts to explain magic through logic.

Faith Healing Network - Killing children in the name of Jesus!

Faith is good, but scepticism is better.--Giuseppe Verdi

Fine, fine, fine - but do you have to save me right now?

First lesson for Pagans: If you're hungry, invoke for food. If you're sick, invoke for health. If you're poor, invoke for money. If you're lonely, invoke for love. If you're sad, invoke for happiness. Then you can start invoking to save the rain-forest.

For every Pagan who actually gets it, there are two who could get it but don't want to bother, three who'd never get it if they tried, and four who can't hear you above all the talking and loud music.

Forsake Her not, and She shall preserve thee; love Her and She shall keep thee.--Proverbs 4:6

Found Jesus? If nobody claims Him in 30 days, he's yours!

Freya, Goddess of Love and War: "If ya can't lay 'em, slay 'em!"

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.--George Carlin

Fundamentalism: Fund (give cash); a-mentalism (without brains).

Fundamentalists are more mental than fun.

Fundies for Ceridwen! Join Today!

Gays don't recruit children, but Christians sure do!

Give me that Old-Time Religion: Hail Odin!

God gave man Truth...and the evil among them helped turn it into religion.

God is an iron.--Spider Robinson

God loves you. (Some restrictions apply.).

God made the cat so that we might caress the tiger.

God was my copilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.

Greet Jehovah's Witnesses with a cheery, "Hail Satan!"

GURU: One who knows more jargon than you.

Happiness is a warm stone circle.

Have I found Jesus? Why? Did you lose him?

Have my priestess call your priestess...we'll do circle.

Have you ever wondered where people in Hell tell each other to go?

Having studied Christianity, I became Pagan.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Hey, relax! I've read two books on magick...what could go wrong?

Hi Mom! I've joined the Neo-Druid Dead Puppy Cult!

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.--Han Solo

How appropriate that the Bible refers to Christians as sheep.

How come the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are called "The ONE True God?"

How many fish do I have to put on my car before it's born again?

How to name it Heaven, if my cats are not there?

Humans: proof that Intelligent Design cannot possibly be true.

I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.

I asked God, and She said She is pro-choice!

I asked if I could be born again, but my mother refused.

I bet Jesus would have used HIS turn signals!

I bet you didn't believe in reincarnation last time either.

I can already sense you're going to be a major obstacle on my path to enlightenment.

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but I did in a past life.

I don't need a new religion, I haven't used up the old one yet!

I found Jesus, and he said, "Tag, you're it!"

I found Jesus! (He was behind the couch the whole time...)

I found Jesus, now it's my turn to hide.

I gave up Christianity for Lent.

I give evolution two opposable thumbs up!

I got your jihad right here...

I tried to follow Christ, but I got arrested for stalking.

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.--Marcus, Babylon 5

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas.

If religious groups want to get into politics, they should pay taxes.

If the Wiccan Rede was created, as some suggest, to alleviate the fears of non-Pagans, it appears not to have worked.

If you are going through hell, keep going.--Winston Churchill

If you believe in magic, you have the universe at your command.

If you gathered together all the known pieces of the True Cross, you could build a house big enough to hold all the authentic Gardnerian Books of Shadows!

If you want divine justice, die.

Ignorance: Making people feel righteous for over 2000 years.

I'll have no truck with psychiatry...there are some arts too black for even a witch!

I'm an atheist, thank God.

In a society less decadent than ours, Neo-Paganism wouldn't have a chance - but genuine Paganism would flourish.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.--Douglas Adams

Instead of praying: "Dear God, bring me someone fabulous," try: "Dear God, make me into someone fabulous."--Marianne Williamson

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

It is easier, and more humane, to bake a sacrificial harvest-loaf, than to tear apart a live goat with your bare hands. But which makes the most lasting impression?

It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.--Albert Einstein

It's a 3rd degree secret of the Star Trek Trad, Next Generation branch.

It's all fun and games until someone gets sacrificed to Satan.

It's easier to be Born Again than to grow up.

Jahweh, promoting unprotected sex for 4,000 years!

Jesus is coming! Hide the porn.

Jesus is coming...no, wait... he's just breathing heavy.

Jesus is coming. On three, everyone yell "Surprise!"

Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!

Jesus is coming. Should I spit or swallow?

Jesus is coming - soon to a theater near you.

Jesus loves me...but I make him wear a condom.

Jesus loves you, but he might not respect you in the morning.

Jesus loves you, but he's not ready for a commitment.

Jesus loves you - but then again, so does your dog.

Jesus loves you...just not in that way.

Jesus is cool - but some of his followers give me the creeps.

Jesus must be in jail; that's where everyone seems to find him!

Jesus must be so proud to see how much money people are making off his crucifiction.

Jesus saves and takes half damage.

Jesus saves, but Moses invests.

Jesus saves...by shopping wisely and using double coupons!

Jesus saves, Moses invests - but Cthulhu forecloses!

Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.

Jesus saves sinners... he must have a lot by now.

Jesus to His followers: "You did WHAT in My Name?!?"

JIHAD: Jealousy Intolerance Hatred And Destruction

Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an elder god.

Judgment and punishment, or some such silly conservative Christian hoopla.

Just doing my part to annoy right-wing conservative Christians.

Kill a Christmas tree for Jesus.

Killing people is bad. Unless it's in self defense. But not if it's euthanasia for someone in uncontrollable pain. Unless they're on death row. But not if it's a fetus. Unless it's during war or if they're gay or Islamic.

Last time we mixed politics with religion, people got burned at the stake.

Lead me not into temptation, for I can damned well find it myself.

Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting, 'All gods are bastards.'--Terry Pratchett

Lions: 5, Christians: 0.

Little Bunny Cthulhu hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice and sucking out their souls.
--Elder God Nursery Rhyme

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Love is the Law. Lust is a subordinate clause.

Madness in the name of God is still only madness.

Magic is seldom spectacular because it seldom needs to be.

Magicians and scientists are, on the face of it, poles apart. Certainly, a group of people who often dress strangely, live in a world of their own, speak a specialized language and frequently make statements that appear to be in flagrant breach of common sense have nothing in common with a group of people who often dress strangely, speak a specialized language, live in ... er ...--Terry Pratchett

Many an ancient lord's last words had been, "You can't kill me because I've got magic aaargh." Magic armour is not all it's cracked up to be.--Terry Pratchett

Many have quarreled about religion that never practiced it.--Benjamin Franklin

Many Neo-Pagans are just Creative Anachronists with a bit more sincerity.

Many people are drawn to Paganism for what it isn't. Those who stay with Paganism appreciate what it is.

Many wish to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

May the entity of your choice smile kindly upon you.

Maybe God is a kid playing The Sims.

Maybe the Rapture already happened, and nobody got taken.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.--Aldous Huxley

Meddle not in the affairs of witches, for [POOF!] croak croak

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.--Pascal

Merry Meet, and Merry Part, and Mary Tyler Moore

Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.

Morality? Like Psalms 137:9?

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.--Mark Twain

Mother Nature doesn't care if you are having fun.--Larry Niven

Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children.

My creation myth is better than your creation myth.

My cultlike following is accepting applications.

My guardian angel probably has a drinking problem.

My guru said there would be lifetimes like this.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences - he thought he was God and I didn't.

My karma ran over my dogma.

My next life will be normal.

My other car is a broom!

My path? C:\Pagan\Eclectic\Wiccan

My psychic advisor just keeps laughing.

My psychic girlfriend dumped me before we met.

My religious preference is freedom.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.--Christopher Morley

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.--Mary Kelly

Nature draws the line, and I just keep crossing that sucker.

Never expect a police officer to understand the ritual nature of your athame.

Never forget that there are genuinely good Christian people in the world, and that their religion may have something to do with it.

Never give your real address to entities you've just met on the astral plane.

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.--Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Never mind the star, just get those camels off the lawn!

Never say, "Things couldn't get any worse." God takes that as a personal challenge.

Never sing 'Onward Christian Soldiers' during the Great Rite.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. (I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.)

No, I'm not a cultist. I just sacrifice virgins for fun.

No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

No, no, chocolate goes in the North. Massage oil goes in the West!

No, Wiccans don't sacrifice people...although we might make an exception for you!

No witch stands so tall as when she stoops to clean the litter-box.

Nothing personal, but God told me to set you on fire.

Nowadays I am suspicious of any spiritual teaching that lacks humor.--Gerald May

Odin loves the little Vikings \ All the Vikings of the world.

Of course I'm a witch. I've got a tall pointy hat!

Of course the meek will inherit the earth! Did you think they were going to take it by force?

Of course you can cast a perfectly fine circle with a kitchen knife. But there's something about a two-hundred dollar hand-forged designer athame that makes you want to cast it more often.

Only 666 more shopping days before Armageddon!

Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!

Pagans and heathens and witches, oh my!

Pagan gatherings would be a lot more restrained if participants thought they'd ever have to meet again in the real world.

Pagans do it in a circle.

Pass the Lord and praise the ammunition!

People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes.-- Terry Pratchett

People who want to share their religious views with you rarely want you to share yours with them.

Place blood sacrifice on keyboard to continue.

Playing Dungeons & Dragons actually is a lot like witchcraft - but don't tell anybody.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me!

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control!

Probably the toughest part of being good at a rain dance is getting thrown out of nightclubs.

Putting a Jesus fish or magnetic yellow ribbon on your car doesn't let you ignore basic traffic safety.--SomethingPositive.net

Quoting the Bible doesn't count as thinking.

Reality doesn't give a damn about your beliefs.

Religion is a fashionable substitute for faith.

Religion is what you're told; spirituality is what you learn.

Religion without a Goddess is halfway to atheism!

Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.

Remember, God gave you a brain, not a Bible!

Remember, kids, Satan loves you!

Remember that the customs of your tribe are not laws of nature.

Remember, your body is your temple; however, it's also your dancehall and bowling alley!

Repent or be damned! (If you've already repented, please disregard this notice.)

Roman Catholic: The world's most successful cult

Route 666 - Highway of the Beast

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.--Mark Twain

Satanism is Christianity for rebels with no imagination.

Saved? For what, a rainy day?

Saying "God told me" is no excuse for stupidity.

Science has done more for Western Civilization in 100 years then Christianity did in 1800 years.--John Burroughs

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.--Ashley Montague

Sex - Does God have a sense of humor or what?!

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation...the other eight are unimportant.--Henry Miller

Shoot a televangelist for Jesus!

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Shout louder! Maybe your god is busy.

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.--Robert A. Heinlein

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

So, basically you're saying God planned this shit?

So charmingly heathen, your skin is like a teardrop on a popsicle.

Some people practice what they preach, others just practice preaching.

Someone's gotta tell the Volcano God that we're all out of virgins!

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?" Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal; your name just happened to come up.--Charlie Brown

Sometimes the garbage disposal gods require a sacrificial spoon.

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Spanish witch causes a brujaja.

Spiritual truth through superior weapons!

Study demonology with an enemy this Sunday.

Supporting America's Militant Agnostics: we don't know, and you don't either!

Support prayer in schools, but only if my kid can lead Wiccan rituals in school, too!

Sure, there's a downside: moaning at all hours, blood flowing into the yard and demons maniacally shrieking. Still, the "Hellish Potato Salad" he brings to the block parties makes it worthwhile to be Satan's neighbor.

Thank you for not trying to raise my conciousness.

The Bible does NOT say, "Love thy neighbor, unless he's gay."

The church is near
But the road is icy.
The tavern is far
But I will walk carefully.
--Ukranian proverb

The family that prays together is brainwashing the children.

The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on a woman.--Nancy Astor

The Goddess Loves You! (Just don't push it till she's had her coffee.)

The Goddess loves you - everyone else thinks you're an idiot.

The gods are not crazy - they're higher than kites!

The magic of the tongue is the most dangerous of all spells.--Bulwer-Lytton

The most radical notion in Wicca is that religion can be fun.

The original Pledge of Allegiance, 1892: I pledge allegiance to the flag and the republic for which it stands; one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

The plural of "witch" is "argument".

The Road to Enlightenment is long and difficult...bring snacks and a book to read.

The words of the Magus are to know, to will, to dare, and one other I could remember if everyone would shut up a moment.

There is an angel inside of me whom I am constantly shocking.

There is more black magic in one day on Wall Street than in a decade of Wiccan Sabbats.

There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned supreme. It was called the Dark Ages.

There you are, getting on with your life, and Jesus is waiting just 'round the corner with a baseball bat.

This isn't hell, but I can see it from here.

This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

Those students who have become one with the universe will be allowed to go on and become two with the universe.

Those who don't believe in evolution are the ones who need it most.

Thou shalt not shove your religion down my throat.

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly To be fearful of the night.--Sarah Williams

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

True gods were never meant to be worshipped, only absorbed.

Truly, the road to enlightenment is like unto half a mile of broken glass.

Trust in God, but question religion.

Unitarian prayer: "To whom it may concern..."

Unpopular Bible Fact: Adultery merits the death penalty. (Lev. 20:10)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Blended fabrics are forbidden. (Lev. 19:19)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Body/ear piercings are forbidden. (Lev. 21:5)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Christians should not judge others. (Mt. 7:1-5)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Crossbreeding cattle is forbidden. (Lev. 19:19)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Don't plant a variety of crops. (Lev. 19:19)

Unpopular Bible Fact: God forbids people to get tattoos. (Lev. 19:28)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Public prayer is wrong. (Matthew 6:1-6)

Unpopular Bible Fact: Rebellious kids are to be killed. (Lev. 20:9)

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

Want a taste of religion? Lick a witch!

We apologize for the inconvenience.--God's final message

We are all Children of Cthulhu - especially the ones with lots of tentacles.

What would Freya do?

When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.--Sinclair Lewis

When God created man, She must have been drunk and horny!

When Jesus said, "Love your enemies," I'm pretty sure he meant don't kill them.

When men speak of the future, the gods laugh.--Chinese proverb

When religion ruled the world, they called it the Dark Ages.

When the gods choose to punish us, they merely answer our prayers.--Oscar Wilde

When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen--there will be something solid to stand on...or you will be taught how to fly.

Why do Christian Fundamentalists object to single parents on earth, yet have no problem accepting one in heaven?

Why should we assume God is good?

With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince. With science, you can turn a frog into a Ph.D and you still have the frog you started with.--Terry Pratchett

Y chromosomes: the Goddess' way of keeping things mildly interesting.

Ye shall know them by their fruits - look, there's one now!

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Yes, I found religion. I found it to be completely worthless.

Yes, I've found Jesus. He's locked in my trunk.

You can order anything thou wilt at Aleister's Restaurant.

You toyed with unnatural forces. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't punish you?--Joyce, BTVS

Your God, our Nation. Learn the difference.

ZenCrafters -- Total enlightenment, in about an hour.